Her Hillaryness


Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because
she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.'
- Jay Leno

'Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York .
When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible.  You know, the
one with only seven commandments.'
-David Letterman

Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete.
But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but
at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine,
but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I
mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do
anything else.'
--Jay Leno

'Well, the big story is -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in
2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see
what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.'
--Jay Leno

'Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for
president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate
it.'
--Conan O'Brien

'In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush
can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan . Probably for the very same
reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk.'
--Jay Leno

'Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected
president, he will do whatever she wants.  You know Bill Clinton -- when he
makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank.'
--Jay Leno

A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for
$400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's
not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some
furniture, cutlery and a Senate seat for mine.'
--Jay Leno

'Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all
ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton 's former business partners
can vote for her in 2008.'
--Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality
shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an
intern.'
-- Craig Kilborn

'In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said
'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.  Er....No, I'm sorry, that's
what Monica said.'
-- David Letterman

'Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York , announced that she has
no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the
United States . Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is
crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.'
-- David Letterman

'Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home
in Washington People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at
the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same.'
-- Jay Leno

'Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his
campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, is
a promise broken. And then, out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the
night on the couch.'
-- Craig Kilborn

And finally, we've saved the best 'til last!

In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was
like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and
living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two,
the trouble starts.'
-- Jay Leno